Chapter 1
I drove my pearl-white, Lexus SUV into the subdivision and sighed with
much confusion. I sighed because even though I was living “the good
life,” I wasn’t all that happy. My marriage was more than
shaky, my career was heading nowhere, and I spent most of my time wondering
how everything went wrong. I even wondered why this solid-brick, three-level,
dream house was no longer important to me and why now, it was merely a
place to lay my head.
After pulling around the circle drive, just past the front door, I eased
the gear in park and turned off the ignition. Then I stepped out onto
the concrete, grabbed my handbag and briefcase and pushed the door shut.
It really was a gorgeous day, and now I wished I could spend the rest
of the evening relaxing on the deck. But if I wanted to finish updating
the new-hire handbook by next month, I knew I had to keep working on it
at home for a couple of hours each night until then. But I didn’t
mind, because in human resources, overtime was very necessary.
I unlocked the front door and walked inside. I went through the two-story
foyer, passed the sunken great room and headed into the kitchen, where
I set my belongings down on the double island and picked up today’s
mail. The central air was kicking with full force, and that of course
meant that David had finally arrived home from one of his many week-long
business trips—one that included this past weekend. He was a successful
vice president at a Chicago pharmaceutical sales company, but somehow
it was hard for me to believe that spending so much time away from home
was truly necessary.
I dropped the stack of bills, magazines and clothing catalogs I’ve
never ordered from back onto the island, went down the hallway and into
our master bedroom suite. David was sitting in bed, leaning his back against
two king-sized pillows, watching something on television. But he looked
at me almost immediately.
“Hey,” I said as a peace offering, because we really hadn’t
spoken since arguing two nights ago.
“Hey, how’s it going?”
“I’m okay,” I said, but couldn’t help remembering
how things used to be when he arrived home from his business trips. He’d
call me twice each of the days he was gone, send me flowers without warning
and would call me at work, letting me know that he was back at home waiting
for me. But things always seem to have a way of changing. So have we as
man and wife.
“So, how was work today?” he asked glancing at the television
and then back at me waiting for a response.
“Same ole, same ole. ” I kicked my pumps off and shed the
jacket to my periwinkle linen pantsuit. “Although, they did re-post
the same HR manager’s position I applied for six months ago. I heard
this afternoon, that the guy they gave it to is moving to Arizona.”
“You thinking about going for it again?”
“I don’t know. I don’t even know if it’s worth
the hassle.”
“Meaning what?” he asked. “A hassle in terms of all
the responsibilities that come with a managerial position or the hassle
of having to apply for it again?”
“I mean the hassle of having to prove myself all over again to
a group of men who totally ignored the fact that I was qualified the first
time.”
“Well, for one thing, I don’t think that sort of attitude
is going to help you one way or the other,” he said and then looked
away, because he knew we’d argued about this very thing not so long
ago, and that I resented his position regarding it.
“I don’t want to be pessimistic about this, but based on
what happened last time around, I just don’t know if Jim and Lyle
believe I can do the job. I was clearly the most qualified, yet they still
gave it to a white guy who only had an associate degree and had never
worked in human resources. Even though I had an MBA and over three years
of HR experience.” I removed my pantyhose and wondered why he never
tried to sympathize with how I felt about anything.
“I’m not saying you shouldn’t be upset about what
happened before. But what I am saying is that maybe this time will be
different if you go into the situation with a little more confidence in
your superiors and with more of an open mind. I know you think they treated
you unfairly, but maybe you just need to give them a chance.”
“You know what, David?” I said out of mere frustration.
“Just because you have the job of your dreams and have never had
to experience job discrimination doesn’t mean that it doesn’t
exist.”
My feelings were so hurt. I couldn’t believe my own husband, the
man I loved, was trying to defend the same people who passed me over for
a promotion without any justifiable explanation.
“In all honesty, I can’t confirm whether discrimination
really exists or not, but since I’ve been pretty successful with
climbing my own career ladder as a black man, it’s hard for me to
see what so many woman and minorities keep complaining about. Maybe it
did go on back in the sixties, but things are different now. They’re
much different,” he said matter-of-factly.
If I hadn’t heard him with my own ears, I never would have believed
that any black person could say such a thing. I was trying not to argue
with him, but he was making it more difficult by the minute.
“You’ve been successful, because you’ve always kissed
up to the right people,” I said before I knew it. “David,
you’ve been a yes-boy for as long as you’ve been in pharmaceutical
sales, and sometimes even I can’t tell if you’re black or
white. Pretty much, it depends on what day of the week it is, where you
are and who you’re talking to.”
“So, what are you saying?” He sat all the way up and swung
his legs over the side of the bed. Which meant I’d struck a serious
nerve with him. But I didn’t care, because he knew I was telling
the truth about him. “Let’s just leave this alone,”
I said and pulled open the dresser drawer. “Because I really do
n’t want to fight with you about this.”
“No, I want you to tell me what you mean, since you know me so
damn well.”
He was steaming, and I could tell from his tone that this argument was
only going to escalate. What I was planning to say next, wasn’t
going to make things any better.
“Tell you what? That you didn’t start out this way, but
now you’ve completely lost your identity? That you’ve forgotten
where you came from? That somehow along the way you’ve become so
blinded that you think every black man and woman in America is experiencing
the same success as you? That some of your white colleagues make derogatory
jokes about black people on a frequent basis and you actually laugh louder
than they do? I mean, what else do I have to point out for you to understand
what I’m saying?”
“A joke is a joke, and just because you don’t have a decent
sense of humor, that’s not my problem.”
I laughed and sighed at the same time, because I couldn’t believe
he didn't get what I was trying to tell him.
“David, some of your friends even use the word nigger to your
face and then pretend like it’s okay, because they’re only
joking around. And I can’t tell you how sick I get every time I
hear the president of your company insist that you just aren’t like
most black people. I mean, what exactly does that mean? What are most
black people like anyway?”
“You’re impossible,” he said picking up the channel
selector. “And as far as I’m concerned this goddamn conversation
is over. Shit, now I hate I even bothered asking you how your freakin’
day went.”
“I hate that you asked me, too, David, because it’s not
like you care about how I feel, anyway.”
“I do care. But I don’t understand why you can’t quit
and stay at home like a real wife should. Especially, since I gave up all
the luxuries I was used to when I moved all the way out to this backwoods
city where you grew up. But the whole time we’ve been married, you’ve
never gone out of your way to do anything except what’s convenient
for you. And hell, if you want to know the truth, I’m embarrassed
to tell people that you work. So, I don’t know why you can’t
just join some organizations or sit on a few boards, like every other executive’s
wife.” “So, that’s what this is all about? Me giving up
all my dreams, so I can sit at home and do nothing? Because you knew when
you met me that I wanted a career, and that the money you made wasn’t
going to change that. My mother raised me to be self-reliant, and that’s
why I didn’t rush to get married before I was thirty. I was always
up front with you about that. And I can’t help it if now, you don’t
like my independence.”
“The bottom line is that you’re not available when I need
you to be for corporate dinners or even sex for that matter. All you do
is work ridiculous hours, trying unsuccessfully to prove how good you
are, and then you scream how tired you are when you get home. So, I’m
telling you now, things can’t continue going the way they are, and
I think it’s time for you to decide what your priorities are.”
“ My priorities are the same as they were when you first asked
me to marry you. And what about your own work schedule? You’re hardly
ever here and when you are, you’re always planning the next business
trip.”
“Well in case you hadn’t noticed, Anise, I’m a very
well-paid executive. And that means I don’t have the luxury of blowing
off my responsibilities the way some people do. My job requires much more
than just sitting behind some desk, making a few phone calls.”
“So, exactly what are you trying to say?” I asked.
“That given the menial jobs you’ve always had, I don’t
expect you to understand what it takes to walk in my shoes.”
“I don’t believe you, David. I can’t believe you’ve
become so vain that you don’t even care what you say to your own
wife.”
I gazed at him for a split second and then turned away because the last
thing I wanted was for him to see my eyes watering. I couldn’t fathom
why he was diminishing me the way he was. I knew things weren’t
that great between us, but this cruel, insensitive criticism he was dishing
was totally uncalled for.
“Oh, so now you don’t have anything to say?” he asked.”
“No, I don’t. And as a matter of fact, I’m finished
with this conversation altogether.”
“Well, I’m not finished. And if you don’t do something
about rearranging
your priorities real soon, we’re both going to be sorry.”
“Is that some kind of a threat?” I asked.
“No, because I don’t make threats. At forty years old, I
don’t have to. But more importantly, at thirty-six, you need to
think about having a baby before you’re too old.”
What he didn’t know was that I wasn’t planning on having
any children at all. I’d thought about it when we were first married
and was actually looking forward to it, but the one thing I’d learned
over the years was that was illogical to bring a baby into an unstable
situation. We weren’t even getting along with each other, so how
on earth were we going to be good parents to an innocent newborn baby?
“If you think I’m going to give up my career and do nothing
except have a house full of babies, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Oh, so it’s like that?”
“Unfortunately, it is,” I said standing my ground.
“Then you won’t ever hear me bring it up again.”
David walked out of the bedroom, and while I felt like I’d won
this latest quarrel of ours by unanimous decision, I didn’t feel
much like a heavyweight champion. He was too calm, and I could tell that
I’d lost just a little more of him and part of the love he once
had for me. Which hurt terribly, because there was a time when we both
loved each other hard—when we both thought that life wasn’t
quite worth living if we couldn’t be together. That feeling lasted
five long years, but these last twelve months had played another tune,
one that we were no longer able to create beautiful lyrics to. We both
kept trying, but the rhythm just wasn’t the same as it once was.
Maybe we were never meant to be together from the beginning. But I didn’t
want to believe that theory, because I did know how love felt. I could
still remember the first day we met. We were at a pool party that was
being given by some mutual friends of ours, Sam and Theresa, over in Olympia
Fields, a pre-dominantly black, upper-echelon south suburb of Chicago.
I’d met Theresa at a four-day human resources convention in Oak
Brook, and we’d continued to stay in touch ever since. David knew
Sam because Sam had been one of his pharmaceutical clients when David
was a sales manager. Theresa had always tried to play matchmaker for me
since the time we met and couldn’t wait to introduce David as soon
as he’d arrived at the party. I knew then, that I was strongly attracted
to him, and it was pretty obvious that he felt the same way about me.
It wasn’t love at first sight, but we clicked from the very first
moment we laid eyes on each other. We spent most of the evening together
and exchanged phone numbers before leaving. He called me daily, and I
was always smiling from ear to ear whenever I heard his voice. His work
schedule and the fact that he lived almost ninety minutes away kept us
from seeing each other during the week, but it didn’t take long
for his visits on Saturdays and Sundays to evolve into extended overnight
stays. He began arriving on Friday evenings and never left my condo before
daylight on Monday mornings.
We dated all of six months before he surprised me with a two-carat,
diamond solitaire, engagement ring, I immediately told him yes, that I
would marry him, and we took life-long vows the very next year. He’d
really wanted to keep his residence in the Chicago area though, not just
because he worked there, but because he loved the suburb that he lived
in. I would have liked being closer to Chicago as well, but I just couldn’t
bring myself to leave my mother or most of my relatives who lived in Mitchell,
a city with barely 150,000 residents. We’d always been such a close
family, and the thought of living in a different city from the rest of
them made me uncomfortable. Had I made the move, I knew I would have been
extremely unhappy, so David, against very strong wishes, agreed on moving
here with me and had been commuting ever since. He loved me that much,
and I had the utmost respect for his giving up the lifestyle he was so
accustomed to living. Mitchell was a wonderful place to reside and a great
place to raise children, but it wasn’t Chicago. There was no Magnificent
Mile, no large production plays, no concerts with A-list entertainers,
and no exquisite art galleries. But again, it was a wholesome, quiet,
place to live, and I was happy to be here. David on the other hand wasn’t,
and now, I was pretty sure that this was part of the reason he was so
distant and almost preferred going on business trips as opposed to being
at home with me. Our lifestyle was, well, boring by his definition, but
I on the other hand, perceived it as comfortable living. However, I was
born and raised here, and I learned a long time ago that we all get used
to what we get used to.
Sometimes love just isn’t enough. Sometimes so much more is needed,
and I couldn’t help wondering how long it was going to be before
David flashed a news broadcast my heart wouldn’t be able to handle.
I guess I did still love him, but there were so many days when I honestly
didn’t like him at all. Not to mention that he obviously felt the
same way about me.
I honestly didn’t know what it was we needed to do to make things
right again. But if it had anything to do with me swallowing my pride
and forgetting about work altogether, that wasn’t an option.
I just couldn’t see myself doing that.
Not for him.
Not for any one person I could think of. |
Blackboard
and Essence national bestselling author Kimberla Lawson Roby returns with
another moving and triumphant novel entitled A TASTE OF REALITY. The story
centers on a woman who against all odds, almost single-handedly battles
the most blatant kind of workplace discrimination—while dealing
with a failing marriage and a trusted friend’s betrayal.